I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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