My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
