So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
