FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
