I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
