then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
