he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
