its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
