Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
