Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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