it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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