I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
