then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
