life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
