woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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