Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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