I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
he's gonorrhea incarnate
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Randomize
