I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
