He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
