omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
