loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
