I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
