Your face is a jimmy john
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I think people are normalizing furries
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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