i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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