the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
