Ambien. No doubt about it.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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