You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
