I think I died a long time ago.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize