before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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