We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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