grandma shit on top of the toilet
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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