I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
