Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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