guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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