why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
