you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
