I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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