if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
