You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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