You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
