I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
