I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
