I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
