My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
