I just gift wrapped bread.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
