there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
