There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
