When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
