How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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