Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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