so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
