i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Houston, we have a blender
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
