dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
