I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
