every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
