Already got asked if we're dating
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
