It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
