I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Randomize
